100% real food.

Hold the presses, everyone. Hot Pockets now use "100% real ingredients" in their polystyrene-pasties-cum-"sandwiches," at least according to their latest television ads. This makes me wonder...what were they using before? Were they using the cardboard those outer crusts always tasted like?

For that matter, isn't any ingredient 100% "real"? It may not be natural - I'm willing to wager very little in Hot Pockets is natural now - but surely if it exists, it's real? Unless we were eating hypothetical polystyrene pasties, in which case they certainly shouldn't have had so many calories. And isn't this tantamount to a confession that they haven't always been "real food," that they used to be more fake than they are now, and that if you ate their crummy microwaveable excuses for lunch a year or two ago, you might be screwed?

I've noticed that a lot of my obsessions lately revolve around food. I am incensed that Lay's markets its potato chips as having "0 grams trans fat" as though that made them health food (and indeed, I heard a mother in Kroger last week agree to buy them for her five-year-old son for that very reason). Same for McDonald's.

It really bothers me that Sandra Lee comes out with "cookbooks" when all she ever does on her show is open packets of Italian seasoning, frost angel food cakes with cool whip, and make "tablescapes" that not only look like they probably cost a week's grocery budget, but leave no room on the table for the food. Surely the primary purpose of a table shouldn't be holding lace-trimmed buckets and raffia straw at the expense of the food itself?

And lately I'm truly offended by people who insist that parmigianno reggiano and parmesan are the same thing. They're not. It's like calling just any old sparkling wine champagne. I feel as if there's a kind of reverse snobbery at work in society, where people can feel superior about buying Velveeta and look down at those, like myself, who are willing to fork over $10 for a really divine round of boucheron. (I suggest you melt it over a chile-lime marinated chicken. Heaven.) But really, what is the point of eating something that is labeled as a "pasteurized cheese food product"? Cheese food product?! What self-respecting cheese would eat Velveeta? I understand that it's cheaper, but buying it doesn't make you a smarter consumer. Think about it. Consumer. You are consuming that stuff, putting it in your body. It has the taste and texture of melted tire rubber, a color that resembles nothing on this planet (maybe Mars?). Do you really want that in your gut? So why are you looking down at me, when I at least know what my cheese is made of? I defy anyone to tell me what's in Velveeta.

America is one of the most obese countries in the world. Why? Because we assume that potato chips with "0g trans fat" are health foods and buy them for our children. We eat Velveeta in massive quantities trying to capture some hint of taste, when an inch cube of a sharp cheddar or brie would do. We "eyeball" our ingredients a la Rachael Ray (you knew that was coming, didn't you?), resulting in salad dressings with more fat than a Big Mac. We order a double cheeseburger, super-size fries, and a Diet Coke, and assume we've done our healthy bit for the day. Do what tastes right, America. And by this I mean skip the Hot Pockets idea of "100% real ingredients" and dig into some real food, food that you think about, take time to prepare, and savor, without having that MSG-tainted guilt trip afterwards.