Stuck in the middle with you.

Recently some events have made it very clear to me that some people cannot be trusted to accurately judge a situation. In particular, that narcissism can blind people to what is right in front of them, and that everything they see and experience will be filtered through a perception of the world that is sometimes shockingly inaccurate, leading them to believe that they are victimized by everyone around them, and grandly misunderstood. I understand this even more because it used to be my very own situation, and I know where it leads if it's not constantly waged war against. The end of this road is unbelievable pain and separation.

I'm in the middle of this right now. On the one hand, I feel compelled by the sheer force of gut conviction to talk with this person, to correct his incorrect notions of what I have done and thought, to make him see that I did love him once, and that despite our obviously incompatible personalities I have tried hard to have a positive relationship with him, for both our sakes and the sake of others whom I value. He's made some assertions about me that are grossly unfair, downright hurtful, and potentially damaging to other relationships that I treasure. And he's made them to other people, rather than bringing them to me first. It stings, and the J in my personality wants nothing more than to set the record straight.

On the other hand I know that I can't do that; nobody can ever make anyone understand something that they are either incapable of or unwilling to see. This person is a classic narcissist, and I know now that anything I say to him will be twisted. The last time we spoke, he insisted I had borne a "dogmatic hatred" of him since we met some years ago, which is patently untrue, and I think he'd know that if he stopped to examine our history. It's such an oversimplification of a complicated situation, and one that relieves him of all blame because if I hate him dogmatically, then I haven't reasoned out my position, and he is not in the wrong. This is all terribly frustrating. I do not hate this person. I have never hated him. His actions have caused me intense frustration and sadness, but he is still a person who holds some emotional importance to me, for many reasons. I want him to understand this. But how do you fight something that is so ingrained in another person's consciousness? The simple answer is, of course, that it's impossible, but that doesn't stop the hurt when these accusations are then reported to other people whom I love. I can't rid him of these assumptions, but is it really okay to stand by and let him spread the cancer of his self-absorption to others?

The other difficulty compounding the situation is that there are other relationships involved in this, and other people whom I adore who this person has hurt. The N in me (there I go, Myers-Brigging again) wants very much to protect these people, to stand up in their defense, but again I know that that will do no good for the situation, and could make it worse. But it hurts terribly to watch the people I love suffering because of this person's selfish assertions, and it hurts even more to feel incapable of consolation or protection of those people. I have watched as relationships of a lifetime have rapidly dissolved, leaving only the bitter foam of memories and hurts floating in their wake, and felt incapable of offering any consolation or help to the survivors. I'm a fairly empathetic person, and this kind of situation wounds me deeply.

The thing is, this person still has admirable qualities that I have always valued in him, and I see those being overshadowed by his increasingly narcissistic behavior. He believes that everyone has wronged him, that he is wise and caring and grossly misunderstood and misused. That sort of perception of the world is dangerous. I worry for him, and I grieve for him and for those he has sundered himself from through his actions. I think one day he will realize just how much of an asshole he's been, and I hope sincerely that it won't be too late for him, or for the others he's hurt. One can only play the victim for so long.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling to keep my mouth shut. For those of you who know me well, you know exactly what a struggle this is. Keep me in your thoughts, darlings.